Where do I begin?

Where do I begin?

I feel as if I have so much to say

Yet cannot express it

I feel lost again

As if my life is meaningless

I am sooo lonely

I miss that companionship

I miss having someone who loved me

Just for me

Wanted to be with me

Just because

My heart aches

I know I’m supposed to be alone right now

But it hurts

The tears flow freely

I just want to be held

To be taken care of

Have someone want to hear my heart

Have them desire to spend time with me

Perhaps the rest of their life

I feel as if it is so far off

It’s like looking in an “Alice in Wonderland” mirror

So close

But I can’t reach it

I don’t feel as if it is ever possible

I know I need to feel this way about God

That Jesus feels this way about me

But somehow

my mind

it’s not communicating that to my emotions

My heart is in excruciating pain

My mind feels foggy

My emotions ache

They ache to be heard

To be cared about

To NOT be lonely

Where do I go from here?

On top of my extreme seclusion

I’m beginning to feel suffocated again

I never know when I do something wrong

Where is that line

When will she explode on me

Why won’t she just explode on me

I’d prefer that to the silent looks

The dark stares

The whispering

As if I’m a burden

I’m a obligation

Quite literally

A pain in their ass

Why can’t I just be loved

Why the hypocrisy

Why the smiles for others

And the sneers for me

Have you ever walked across gravel

Barefoot

HOT gravel?

You want to go quickly because of the heat

But not too fast

Or you may land too hard

or

Step on a jagged rock

So your left wondering what to do

Endure the heat

And scald your feet

Or

Choose the bruising from the mismatched stones

Either way

It hurts

Does damage to your body

Rips apart the soles of your feet

And you’re left feeling the effects

Even after your safe on the grass

Well that

That is how I live my life

But I didn’t choose this

I didn’t WANT to go barefoot

I do not even know what I’m doing to cause the pain

What have I done to cause that look

What have I done to win your contempt

What have I done that I’m just NOT GOOD enough?!?

I can’t do this anymore

You have caused too much grief in my life

You don’t care about me

You only care about you

I’m sorry,

But I need to protect me

Please God

Help me through this pain!