Bi-Polar

I was asked today if i'm bi-polar
sometimes I feel as if I am
when we broke up last night
my body felt ripped in two
as if two giant claws came at me
one from the left
one from the right
they clamped with the force of the "Jaws of Death"
UHHHH I gasp from the pain
one pulls left
the other pulls right
ripping me
from top to bottom
split in two
one side screaming NOOOOO
This cannot be happening
the other side
peaceful
knowing it's God
knowing it's right
i look down
the blood pooling below me
dripping from the God side
POURING from the opposite
i look at the mess
take no time to examine the damage
and i begin the mending process
I take the thread
hopefully the right color
I, Painstakingly, push the string
push it through the hole of the needle
and begin to stitch
every finished stitch
brings the feeling of peace
and then i look at the rest of the pain
and all i see is blood
my heart so nearly sliced
Where do i go from here?
i continue the mending process
pushing the needle through my skin
threading
pulling
until it looks semi-normal
i know that it will scar
the question is
how much
and that thread
is it the right color
I don't know
Will i still be able to see it
years from now
i can't allow myself to feel
or I will drop the thread
but I can't heal too soon
or i'll resent the peace
see...
Bi-Polar...

It's Over

it's over
i dated the man of my dreams
i dreamed about him for 8 years
no man measured up to the picture i had of him
I never thought it possible to be with him
it was wonderful
getting to know him
getting to see him
getting to be HIS girl
but now it's done
HE's not the one for me
but there is a peace
i don't understand it
but it's there
there is also pain
I have tears
flooding
they fill up
overflow
then i even out
overflow
balance
oh wow
it's over
over

Carousel

What am I feeling?

Anxious

Scared

Alone

Lost

Distant

Panicked

I can’t stop

I’m exhausted

My eyes want to close

They have a mind of their own

But I can’t stop

I’m going

And going

And going

Like a broken carousel

My world spins

Round

And round

And round

The ride felt good

For a little

Now I’m gripping

Squeezing

Whatever I can hold

Dizzy

Everything is swirling

I’m so tired of holding on

My fingers are slipping

I’m losing control

What control?

I’ve never had it

So I move

Whether I want to or not

I’m moving

Going round

And round

My heart thudding in my chest

My stomach twisting into knots

My head

Oh my head hurts

It’s spinning faster than the ride

The pounding inside my head

Becomes louder than life

So my life becomes

Spinning

Grasping or falling

Nauseous

And the only sound I hear

Is the

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

In my head

Like the drum of a circus bear

BOOM

I see people yelling

Trying to say something

But I cannot hear

No one thinks to go to the switch

Just turn off the switch

But it’s too late now

I’m too far gone

I don’t know if I could ever stop moving now

 I feel the pole I’m holding

Slipping from my sweaty fingers

I try and grip harder

If I let go

I die

But I can’t seem to hold on

Doesn’t anybody care?

You’re all going about your daily lives

Walking around

Seeing me moving

Thinking I’m enjoying the ride

You don’t see the fear

My petrified eyes…

The vomit all over my clothes

The death grip I have on the pole –

My lifeline –

You only see the pretty horses

The up

And down

The intricate carriages

Circus characters

Looking so quaint

Inside the beauty

I am dying

Being ripped apart

By the twirling

And swirling

The BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

I need help

But if I open my mouth

All that comes out

Is the shit from the day

No cry for help

I’m stuck in a nightmare

Needing to scream

Knowing someone may help

But not able to make a sound

Help me please

Someone help me!