Lazy
Rude
Inconsiderate
Dirty
Blemished
Somehow less than
My efforts unseen
My fighting ignored
I was told my heart was precious
I was told you saw my heart
But you didn’t
You may have thought you had a clear view
But it was clouded by so much
It was clouded by your pain
The pain of you not having good parents
Clouded by your need for approval
Hyperactive child would blemish you
Clouded by the dislike of your oldest child
Who I just happened to emulate
Clouded by your insecurity
Yes I said it!
YOUR INSECURITIES!!!!
You don’t ever feel good enough
So I had to be
You don’t ever feel accomplished enough
So I need to be
You don’t ever feel loved enough
So it’s my job to love you more
You never feel appreciated enough
So you force it out of me
You came this far
It should be good enough
You struggled this much
I should be satisfied with your accomplishments
You weren’t loved, didn’t know how to love
I should be content with what I got
You have done soooo much
I should gush about it more
NO!
STOP!
I’m DONE!
I’ve had a problem my whole life
A glaring
Demon-eyed
Beast
It’s been eating me alive
From the inside out
I don’t even remember when it started
Didn’t know I wasn’t normal
It began to move to the outside
Affect who I was
What I did
How I moved
I didn’t know what it was
This creature within me
Don’t you have one?
I thought everybody did
A fiend they fight off
Not yearly,
Or monthly
Or even daily
But minute by
Excruciating
Minute
You don’t live like that?
Oh…
There is a reason I cannot move!
I did not realize this reason
It is something I cannot control
This being within me
IT IS NOT MY FAULT
Why can’t you get that through your head?
Why?
Because if you can’t
Then I can’t
I am seeking help
A dragon-tamer of sorts
For me
Not to fix me
I’m not broken
Not to punish me
I’ve done nothing wrong
But to help me
To find the monster -
That I can’t see –
And seize it by the throat
And kill this animal inside of me
Because I’m weak
Too weak
I can’t do it on my own
I don’t see it anymore
In my mind it is me
There is no division between the two
Where the dragon ends
I begin
Where I end
The dragon begins
We are morphed -
Someone will help me
Something will also help me
So the monster will stop eating me
Chewing on my brain
Crushing my emotions
Ripping my determination
I’m not less than perfect
I’m not a bad child
I’m not the cause of the family’s pain
I’m me!
Stop seeing the creature as me!!
I am Perfect
Someday you will see
You will see me without the animal,
You may even take credit for the change,
You did nothing but feed the parasite
I did it
With only the strength of God
And the help of very few people who would listen
I made the choice
I’m the one getting reconstructive surgery
Look at it,
Admire it,
Gasp at the beauty,
But DO NOT
Absolutely DO NOT
Take any credit for the transformation
