Two

Torn apart

One side is the country girl

Get me in the woods

On a four-wheeler

Southern accent

Down in the dirt, dirty

The other side so different

Sophisticated

Classy

Professional

…northern

Clean

Indoors

How do I connect the two?

I feel like I have to choose between them

I see it in the men I like

They are either business

Or extreme country

If I choose the city boy –

I lose my crazy side

Feel sort of beneath him

Because I like to do a lot in the country

If I choose the country boy –

I lose my dreams

My want for professional

For nice things

I feel like I’m the smartest around

No drive to be better

Is it possible to have both?

I don’t think I’ve met anybody

Like me

In male form

I don’t want to choose

Sophisticated or fun

I want to be happy

And I want him to be happy

Not short term

But long term

Anyone can be happy for a few months

Maybe even a few years

But it’s when I start realizing

All the parts of

That have shriveled up

And almost died

That I see

I can’t do this

But by then it’s too late

My heart is already hurting

It is set up to break

Not only that

But because I didn’t listen in the first place

 And I didn’t choose to wait

Like I was told

I will now hurt him as well

I can’t do that to david!!!!

He is too good for that

He is a wonderful man

But God he is NOT FOR ME

I don’t know why I’m telling you that

I’m the one who needs convincing

Why am I so willing to sacrifice half of me

HALF OF ME

For some thoughtful words

And a good feeling?

Why am I not content

Content with you

With who you want to be for me

I want you to be my lover

But am I willing to pay the price

The price of letting go of a MAN

And holding onto you

I don’t see you that way

I wish I did

I want to

But I see you as someone

Something

That cares about part of me

But the other parts don’t matter

You care about the things

Things that affect you

BUT

The things that I want

The things that are important to me

You don’t care

So why would I trust you

Why would I go to you

To fulfill that burning hole inside of me?

I want someone who cares about the unimportant things

And to stupid me

You don’t

I know it in my head

I know you see both sides of me

I know you love both sides of me

But it doesn’t permeate

It doesn’t pervade my spirit

My emotions

So instead I view you as a sort of enemy

Someone who wants to destroy me

And if the one who created me feels that way

Why wouldn’t I?

I want you to be my lover

But first I need to be wooed

Because I don’t see you as someone who can be my everything

I want to

I yearn to

By I don’t

I just don’t

So take these two sides of me

The country twang

The business classy

Mesh them into one Kara

And become the lover I long for

Please Father

Show me the lover I long for.

Where do I begin?

Where do I begin?

I feel as if I have so much to say

Yet cannot express it

I feel lost again

As if my life is meaningless

I am sooo lonely

I miss that companionship

I miss having someone who loved me

Just for me

Wanted to be with me

Just because

My heart aches

I know I’m supposed to be alone right now

But it hurts

The tears flow freely

I just want to be held

To be taken care of

Have someone want to hear my heart

Have them desire to spend time with me

Perhaps the rest of their life

I feel as if it is so far off

It’s like looking in an “Alice in Wonderland” mirror

So close

But I can’t reach it

I don’t feel as if it is ever possible

I know I need to feel this way about God

That Jesus feels this way about me

But somehow

my mind

it’s not communicating that to my emotions

My heart is in excruciating pain

My mind feels foggy

My emotions ache

They ache to be heard

To be cared about

To NOT be lonely

Where do I go from here?

On top of my extreme seclusion

I’m beginning to feel suffocated again

I never know when I do something wrong

Where is that line

When will she explode on me

Why won’t she just explode on me

I’d prefer that to the silent looks

The dark stares

The whispering

As if I’m a burden

I’m a obligation

Quite literally

A pain in their ass

Why can’t I just be loved

Why the hypocrisy

Why the smiles for others

And the sneers for me

Have you ever walked across gravel

Barefoot

HOT gravel?

You want to go quickly because of the heat

But not too fast

Or you may land too hard

or

Step on a jagged rock

So your left wondering what to do

Endure the heat

And scald your feet

Or

Choose the bruising from the mismatched stones

Either way

It hurts

Does damage to your body

Rips apart the soles of your feet

And you’re left feeling the effects

Even after your safe on the grass

Well that

That is how I live my life

But I didn’t choose this

I didn’t WANT to go barefoot

I do not even know what I’m doing to cause the pain

What have I done to cause that look

What have I done to win your contempt

What have I done that I’m just NOT GOOD enough?!?

I can’t do this anymore

You have caused too much grief in my life

You don’t care about me

You only care about you

I’m sorry,

But I need to protect me

Please God

Help me through this pain!