One Year With God

This Year

• NO MEN
• No texting beyond a "hi, how are you" (no more than 5 texts)
• No phone conversations
• No giving my number
• ABSOLUTELY NO being alone
• No contact more than 1 time a week (1 time a week only if 100% necessary)
• What I feel Needs to Happen this year
• I'm dating God
• When I feel lonely - I talk to him, no one else
• Write about my journey/relationship with God
• What I Expect
• I expect to understand the Fathers love
• I expect to understand the amount of love God feels towards me
• I expect to fall in love with God
• I expect to see how God views me
• I expect to view myself as God views me
• I expect to view God as he really is
• I expect to learn how to respect myself
• I expect to become differentiated
• I expect to hear Gods voice clearer
• I expect to be able to stand up for what I feel, no matter the opinion of others
• I expect to learn how to hear and follow advice 
• I expect to learn how to trust
• I expect to gain a deeper understanding of God
• I expect to fall head over heals in love with God
• I expect to learn how to hear God's voice and act upon his word without hesitation
• I expect to understand what love is

*This list is not exhaustive, I may add more guidelines, but I will not take away or say I do not need something on this list.

The rents

My life feels to have gone crazy

I mean it’s always been

But now

Wow

I don’t know where to go from here

They came in last week snarling

Ready

With their fangs out

Their swords drawn

Ready for a fight

They don’t like the truth

They have excuses against the truth

I was told I was speaking through a demonic spirit

I was accusatory

I had the same evil spirit as angel

Oh but we’re just speaking the truth

Getting up in your face

Spewing words at you

That is truth Kara

I was taken aback

I wasn’t prepared

For your lies

For your twisted truths

I’m sorry

I didn’t know that God told parents to stop pursuing children

Isn’t that completely against his heart

I’m sorry I feel such pain from you

I’m sorry I live out of that pain

I’m sorry I don’t feel one BIT of love from you

God’s truth is not supposed to cause anxiety

God’s truth is not supposed to cause fear

I’ve been scared of you

Protecting you

You’re too fragile for the truth

I tried to speak it

But you denied it

My feelings aren’t valid

Yours are

It’s MY fault I never came to you

Do you realize how backwards that is?

I didn’t think I felt this

I didn’t think it affected me this much

But suddenly I’m crying

Confused

What is truth

You spew at me

You don’t listen until I demand it

My words from God aren’t valid

Yours are

Why?

My feelings are wrong

Not yours

Why?

I’m a hateful child

Why?

Why are you the ONLY ones who feel that?

Why?

I can’t go on like this

I don’t know that I even want relationship with you

I feel like it’s too much

You’re only going to try and change me

You only want me to do what YOU feel for me

I have God in my life to

For once in your life

TRUST ME

I’m not an evil child

I want God more than anything in my life

If you truly knew me

You’d know that

I DO NOT have a demonic spirit

I’m not speaking to you out of hate

Pain

Probably

But hate

Or Satan

NO

Absolutely not

I have God in my life

Am I flawed?

Of course

Do I and have I messed up?

Absolutely

But do I want God’s will for me?

More than anything ever!

Choose to see that

More than you see me not coming to you

God didn’t set you up to be Gods in my life

He didn’t set you up to FORCE feelings of love

He set you up to be a guide

If I would feel like you cared in the slightest

I would have come to you

But if I don’t do what you say

I’m hateful

Sinning

I have a sin change that will ruin my children

My marriage

And me!

STOP RIGHT NOW

Either get to know me

And know my heart

Or get the HELL out of my life

I want God

I want what he has for me

And I WILL not stand for someone speaking lies to me!

Golf Audience

What is this pain within me

This pain of not being enough

Always teased

Always ragged upon

Never good enough

Everything I do

Has the potential to be wrong

Everything I do

Is less than par

I'm not a bogie

Not even a double bogie

Probably a 4 over par

Just can’t quite hit the mark

Can’t fully get it

I get close

Even get to the green

But I can’t putt

I grab my putter

Line it up

Pull back

Swing

And suddenly the audience

That ever foreboding audience

Yells

“You aren’t doing it right!”

And my ball lands

And rolls

It might even nick the edge of the hole

But always

It bounces

And rolls away

Drawing the scorn of the crowd

The ever daunting “awwwwe”

Oh they still clap

The polite golfers clap

But I hear them

Under their breath

The disappointment

Or beyond disappointment

The expectancy

No surprise

It’s just Kara

It’s just the way she is

She’ll never get it

Though usually

It’s not under the breath

It’s the outright mockery

“HAHAHAHA

YOU FAILED!

You are such a drama queen,

Just relax.”

It’s the looks

Why can’t I just get over it?

Why can’t I just be me?

Ignore the looks

The yells

The sneers

The expected failure

The words

The ridicule

I want to ignore the audience

Play my game

The game for me

For my heavenly father

And ignore them

The polite golf crowd

When will that audience disappear?

When can I block them out

Focus on my swing

And hit the ball

Exactly the way I know I can

When?

When will that happen?

Distrust

Distrust

That is what I feel

For almost everyone

Distrust

It’s a scary word

So deep

So many repercussions

I feel it towards others

That they don’t want to be with me

They lie to me

Give me lip service

I’m a charity case

Don’t trust my father

He’ll just hurt me in the end anyway

Mom

HELL no

I definitely do not trust her

Everything seems to be manipulation

Constantly turning the dagger

The one she shoved in my back

At a very

Very young age

But most of all

God

I don’t trust you

I feel like you will let me down

I feel like…

I’m an afterthought

“oh..

And then there is Kara”

Like the awkward step-child

“oh yes

She has many talents

She could do this

This

And this

But she’ll never accomplish it

She’ll never amount to anything

She talks too much

She doesn’t know how to get a job

She can’t be herself with anyone

She’s just

Well

I accept her…

Only because I must”

I know why I feel this way

But that doesn’t change it

It’s still there

It’s still how I live

I live in a box

Constantly protecting myself

Constantly worrying

Worrying that someone will finally speak the truth

“no one really wants you Kara,

Not even God really,

We only say we do because we must

Your annoying

Not very intelligent

You talk too much

Can’t formulate your thoughts astutely

Your mind is always wandering.”

Fathers Day

Today

What is today

A day for fathers

What do I feel about that

Why don’t I have a dad anymore

Nothing I do is ever good enough

I was the apple of my daddy’s eye

As long as I did what he wanted

If not

I was doing something against him

Why God?

What is it about me

I’m sorry I am who I am

I’m sorry I made decisions he didn’t like

God help me please

Be my daddy

God I can’t do this anymore!

I am freaking out

The lies

The hypocrisy

How can they believe this

How can they not see the hurt and pain they have caused

Everybody else has messed up

is doing things wrong

But they are right in everything they do

They can do the same things

But because it is them

It is right

I cannot stand the “I’m Perfect” act

The “everybody else has fallen short of the mark

But we haven’t

Ours is simply a learning process”

There is no change

There is no looking at themselves

They are the perfect parents

As long as we worship the ground they walk on

We are accepted

But do anything other than what their unstated rules say

And you are shit

They are so good at acting

They are so good at putting on that perfect face

Showing everybody how caring they are

BULLSHIT!!

You are so messed up

You are so hypocritical!

I don’t even want to be near you

NEVER

I wish I didn’t want approval from you

It makes me despise you!

All the shit you talk

All the God this

And God that

And yet I sit here

Right under your roof

Wilting up and dying

I cannot stand you!

I cannot stand the pain

I cannot stand the manipulation

NO MORE!!

STOP IT!

Stop being the voice in my head!

Stop being the approval I live for

I WILL NEVER GET IT

I know this

So why don’t I live it!

Would you please just love me for me

I hate the lies

I hate the mask I need to wear

It’s getting so thin

It’s being worn down

I can’t wear it much longer!

If I keep going like this

I’ll pop

I’ll burst

And you will not like what comes out

The pain I feel will be spewed

It will cover you from head to toe

You will no longer be able to hide from it

You will no longer be able to talk your way out of it

NO MORE

No

More

Just stop

Stop and just be who you should be

Stop the lies

Stop living in the rejection

Stop living for the approval of others

Because if you do

Than you’d stop treating me like I have leprosy

You cause ripping

Tearing within me

One side yearning for the approval

The other side HATEING you

Wanting absolutely

NOTHING to do with you

Why can’t I just be free of you

I wish the chains of you would fall

I wish the shackles I have lived with

Would fall off

And I could just be free

Be free to be me

And not worry about you

The yanking

And pulling

Dragging around you do with those chains

Just stop please!

Stop!

Two

Torn apart

One side is the country girl

Get me in the woods

On a four-wheeler

Southern accent

Down in the dirt, dirty

The other side so different

Sophisticated

Classy

Professional

…northern

Clean

Indoors

How do I connect the two?

I feel like I have to choose between them

I see it in the men I like

They are either business

Or extreme country

If I choose the city boy –

I lose my crazy side

Feel sort of beneath him

Because I like to do a lot in the country

If I choose the country boy –

I lose my dreams

My want for professional

For nice things

I feel like I’m the smartest around

No drive to be better

Is it possible to have both?

I don’t think I’ve met anybody

Like me

In male form

I don’t want to choose

Sophisticated or fun

I want to be happy

And I want him to be happy

Not short term

But long term

Anyone can be happy for a few months

Maybe even a few years

But it’s when I start realizing

All the parts of

That have shriveled up

And almost died

That I see

I can’t do this

But by then it’s too late

My heart is already hurting

It is set up to break

Not only that

But because I didn’t listen in the first place

 And I didn’t choose to wait

Like I was told

I will now hurt him as well

I can’t do that to david!!!!

He is too good for that

He is a wonderful man

But God he is NOT FOR ME

I don’t know why I’m telling you that

I’m the one who needs convincing

Why am I so willing to sacrifice half of me

HALF OF ME

For some thoughtful words

And a good feeling?

Why am I not content

Content with you

With who you want to be for me

I want you to be my lover

But am I willing to pay the price

The price of letting go of a MAN

And holding onto you

I don’t see you that way

I wish I did

I want to

But I see you as someone

Something

That cares about part of me

But the other parts don’t matter

You care about the things

Things that affect you

BUT

The things that I want

The things that are important to me

You don’t care

So why would I trust you

Why would I go to you

To fulfill that burning hole inside of me?

I want someone who cares about the unimportant things

And to stupid me

You don’t

I know it in my head

I know you see both sides of me

I know you love both sides of me

But it doesn’t permeate

It doesn’t pervade my spirit

My emotions

So instead I view you as a sort of enemy

Someone who wants to destroy me

And if the one who created me feels that way

Why wouldn’t I?

I want you to be my lover

But first I need to be wooed

Because I don’t see you as someone who can be my everything

I want to

I yearn to

By I don’t

I just don’t

So take these two sides of me

The country twang

The business classy

Mesh them into one Kara

And become the lover I long for

Please Father

Show me the lover I long for.

Where do I begin?

Where do I begin?

I feel as if I have so much to say

Yet cannot express it

I feel lost again

As if my life is meaningless

I am sooo lonely

I miss that companionship

I miss having someone who loved me

Just for me

Wanted to be with me

Just because

My heart aches

I know I’m supposed to be alone right now

But it hurts

The tears flow freely

I just want to be held

To be taken care of

Have someone want to hear my heart

Have them desire to spend time with me

Perhaps the rest of their life

I feel as if it is so far off

It’s like looking in an “Alice in Wonderland” mirror

So close

But I can’t reach it

I don’t feel as if it is ever possible

I know I need to feel this way about God

That Jesus feels this way about me

But somehow

my mind

it’s not communicating that to my emotions

My heart is in excruciating pain

My mind feels foggy

My emotions ache

They ache to be heard

To be cared about

To NOT be lonely

Where do I go from here?

On top of my extreme seclusion

I’m beginning to feel suffocated again

I never know when I do something wrong

Where is that line

When will she explode on me

Why won’t she just explode on me

I’d prefer that to the silent looks

The dark stares

The whispering

As if I’m a burden

I’m a obligation

Quite literally

A pain in their ass

Why can’t I just be loved

Why the hypocrisy

Why the smiles for others

And the sneers for me

Have you ever walked across gravel

Barefoot

HOT gravel?

You want to go quickly because of the heat

But not too fast

Or you may land too hard

or

Step on a jagged rock

So your left wondering what to do

Endure the heat

And scald your feet

Or

Choose the bruising from the mismatched stones

Either way

It hurts

Does damage to your body

Rips apart the soles of your feet

And you’re left feeling the effects

Even after your safe on the grass

Well that

That is how I live my life

But I didn’t choose this

I didn’t WANT to go barefoot

I do not even know what I’m doing to cause the pain

What have I done to cause that look

What have I done to win your contempt

What have I done that I’m just NOT GOOD enough?!?

I can’t do this anymore

You have caused too much grief in my life

You don’t care about me

You only care about you

I’m sorry,

But I need to protect me

Please God

Help me through this pain!